Major Lunchbox in Canada and Beyond
Like every other group or work force in the world there are some good competent folks and there are some that are just sandbags or those that the group has to carry. In the Army I have seen some of the very best leaders that I have ever known. Some were fairly young and others had many years of experience. I salute them and their counterparts in every walk of life. Lead on!
Most of the good leaders just do their job well and there aren’t amazing stories to tell about them in peacetime. In combat their stories are the stories of success and heroism. The people placed in leadership positions who couldn’t lead a dog pack in chasing cars are the ones that leave those that are supposed to follow them with bad memories that just don’t fade. I have seen some of those folks try to lead that wouldn’t even know what to do with a car if he caught one.
Some of the National Guard officers and men are top notch and some are about as poor as the others are good. The two sources for personnel are the same now for the National Guard. That is those getting off active duty and those who join the National guard and have never seen anything but the Guard. Some of those from active duty left to take civilian jobs and others got booted off active duty. Some of the officers got booted because they deserved it and some good officers got “booted” because they got “zapped” by a bad report card by some sorry senior officer who may have been threatened by them. Some of all of the above found their way to the National Guard. So the National Guard ended up with some of the very best and some of the very worst.
Just as it is in most work places, there were those that looked very good on paper; but the people that worked with them or for them knew that they were only paper mirages. The guard unit I was in was that way. When I joined the guard we had a Company and a Battalion commander that were top notch. No one doubted that these were guys that knew their business and could lead troops in combat if necessary. And these leaders cared about their troops. We would have followed these guys anyplace anytime. We trusted them. But then there were others.
Our executive officer, Major Lunchbox, (not his real name) was from one of the groups that must have looked good on paper or must have known the right people. Everyone in the unit considered him incompetent and a backstabber. He had never been on active duty yet he was able to rise through the ranks. He wasn’t a good officer or pilot and no one respected him. And he gave us some interesting experiences.
One year when we were doing our two week annual training in Canada, Major Lunchbox made quite an impression on the whole unit. The executive officer’s primary job was to keep paperwork and to keep all of the administrative things happening in the unit. But Major Lunchbox didn’t do much flying during the year so when he went to annual training he needed to get flight time and during that time he was not able to do his primary job. His flying was not quite up to standards but he flew “slicks” (Huey helicopters used for carrying troops), so he was able to slide by. The requirements for flying slicks were not as demanding.
One day while the Cobra helicopters were shooting at the range, we looked down range where we were firing rockets and saw a slick flying towards us. Our rockets had a maximum range of about nine thousand meters and the slick was about four thousand meters from where we were firing the rockets. Rather than flying around behind the range, which is required by regulation, he was approaching from down range where our rockets were impacting.
Immediately the tower started calling a cease-fire on the radio and then all firing stopped! The slick continued to fly towards us as the tower continued calling trying to find out who it was that was flying the slick. The slick never answered any of the radio calls but came all the way into our range and landed. At that point someone approached the slick and gave them the radio frequency to contact tower on. The slick called the tower and asked what they wanted.
Major Lunchbox had been sent to bring lunch to the people at the range and the shortest distance was to fly straight up the range. It was against regulation and down right dangerous but that is what he had just done. When the range control officer started telling him that he couldn’t fly down range he became indignant and said he wouldn’t bring us lunch again. When he left the range a Cobra was sent to lead him safely off the range.
A couple of nights later he was sent back from the training area to take some troops back to where we were camped. He should have flown south for about twenty kilometers and then turned west and flown for about thirty kilometers to the battalion area. Instead he continued south for about a hundred kilometers. After about fifteen minutes of being over the Atlantic Ocean, the passengers convinced him that there was no large body of water between the range and the campsite. When flying over water, the Army requires that all passengers have water wings and be properly briefed for water egress. None of these things were done. Had the single engine helicopter had an emergency and gone down at sea probably all on board would have been lost. Thankfully, the passengers were able to talk him into going north and getting back to the campsite and all ended well.
Major Lunchbox continued to rise through the ranks in the National Guard and after a while became our commander. It was a sad day for those who wanted to be in a good unit. The unit became a pretty poor tactical unit but he shined like a flaming idiot in the dark. The only good news was that he continued to give us more stories to recall.
Major Lunchbox was not much of a speaker and often made interesting comments. One of the officers kept a little notebook in which he recorded Lunchbox’s amazing phrases and comments. One day when talking about pilots flying aircraft in a reckless manner he said, “I don’t want to hear about any of the pilots Roy Rogering the aircraft.” We had all head the term of “cowboying” the aircraft but he had now refined it down to Roy Rogers. I had always thought Roy Rogers was a pretty safe and careful cowboy.
On another occasion he was talking about some one having a careless attitude and he said he didn’t like that “Quasimodo attitude”. On that occasion like many of the others, all in the room started looking at each other in a puzzled look wondering, “What did I just hear?” Then some of us looked over to Mike to see if he was recording this new saying. This was the man keeping the notebook. After a while it became necessary not to look at each other when these comments came out because we feared we would bust out laughing.
Probably the most classic Major Lunchbox moment came in a meeting of company commanders and instructor pilots. We were going over the flying hours of pilots and agreeing on what action needed to be taken. Major Lunchbox would announce the next name on the list and instructor pilots and company commanders would tell Major Lunchbox what they would do to ensure the pilot would get the training or flight hours he needed. Major Lunchbox didn’t have what I would have thought of as an Italian name but before he became the commander he liked to be known as the “Italian Stallion”. It hadn’t been too long after the Rocky movies and I guess he was his hero. In his own mind he was the desire of all women.
So when Major Lunchbox came to the next name on the list, which happened to be an Italian name and the name of the head guy in the state for aviation, we all couldn’t believe what happened. Major Lunchbox didn’t recognize the name and mispronounced it a couple of times. Then he said, “Who owns this guy, whoever he is?” We were all fortunate that Major Lunchbox was looking down when he did all of that. We all sat there not believing he didn’t recognize the name of the head guy and then none of us wanted to be the one to tell him who he was. After a moment of silence Major Lunchbox said, “Well whoever owns him make sure he gets some more hours because he is way behind!” Then he announced the next person on the list and we moved on. After the meeting we all had a new saying to use. “Who owns this guy, whoever he is?” We also tried to duplicate the way he had said the name but we never were as confused as Major Lunchbox so it never sounded as funny as when he said the name.
Most of the time it’s best just to let the poor leaders pass away into our past. They teach powerful lessons on what not to do! One of the good things about the active duty military is that people move around pretty often so even when you have a bad commander it shouldn’t be for too long. It also helps to keep a list of the new goofy things they do. It will help keep things in perspective and it will be good material for future stories. I know that major Lunchbox provided me with a number of good laughs. Remember, even the turkeys that make it through November don’t last forever. And besides, if a clown like that can survive in the world, the normal people should have it made if we don’t run into too many of his type!
Most of the good leaders just do their job well and there aren’t amazing stories to tell about them in peacetime. In combat their stories are the stories of success and heroism. The people placed in leadership positions who couldn’t lead a dog pack in chasing cars are the ones that leave those that are supposed to follow them with bad memories that just don’t fade. I have seen some of those folks try to lead that wouldn’t even know what to do with a car if he caught one.
Some of the National Guard officers and men are top notch and some are about as poor as the others are good. The two sources for personnel are the same now for the National Guard. That is those getting off active duty and those who join the National guard and have never seen anything but the Guard. Some of those from active duty left to take civilian jobs and others got booted off active duty. Some of the officers got booted because they deserved it and some good officers got “booted” because they got “zapped” by a bad report card by some sorry senior officer who may have been threatened by them. Some of all of the above found their way to the National Guard. So the National Guard ended up with some of the very best and some of the very worst.
Just as it is in most work places, there were those that looked very good on paper; but the people that worked with them or for them knew that they were only paper mirages. The guard unit I was in was that way. When I joined the guard we had a Company and a Battalion commander that were top notch. No one doubted that these were guys that knew their business and could lead troops in combat if necessary. And these leaders cared about their troops. We would have followed these guys anyplace anytime. We trusted them. But then there were others.
Our executive officer, Major Lunchbox, (not his real name) was from one of the groups that must have looked good on paper or must have known the right people. Everyone in the unit considered him incompetent and a backstabber. He had never been on active duty yet he was able to rise through the ranks. He wasn’t a good officer or pilot and no one respected him. And he gave us some interesting experiences.
One year when we were doing our two week annual training in Canada, Major Lunchbox made quite an impression on the whole unit. The executive officer’s primary job was to keep paperwork and to keep all of the administrative things happening in the unit. But Major Lunchbox didn’t do much flying during the year so when he went to annual training he needed to get flight time and during that time he was not able to do his primary job. His flying was not quite up to standards but he flew “slicks” (Huey helicopters used for carrying troops), so he was able to slide by. The requirements for flying slicks were not as demanding.
One day while the Cobra helicopters were shooting at the range, we looked down range where we were firing rockets and saw a slick flying towards us. Our rockets had a maximum range of about nine thousand meters and the slick was about four thousand meters from where we were firing the rockets. Rather than flying around behind the range, which is required by regulation, he was approaching from down range where our rockets were impacting.
Immediately the tower started calling a cease-fire on the radio and then all firing stopped! The slick continued to fly towards us as the tower continued calling trying to find out who it was that was flying the slick. The slick never answered any of the radio calls but came all the way into our range and landed. At that point someone approached the slick and gave them the radio frequency to contact tower on. The slick called the tower and asked what they wanted.
Major Lunchbox had been sent to bring lunch to the people at the range and the shortest distance was to fly straight up the range. It was against regulation and down right dangerous but that is what he had just done. When the range control officer started telling him that he couldn’t fly down range he became indignant and said he wouldn’t bring us lunch again. When he left the range a Cobra was sent to lead him safely off the range.
A couple of nights later he was sent back from the training area to take some troops back to where we were camped. He should have flown south for about twenty kilometers and then turned west and flown for about thirty kilometers to the battalion area. Instead he continued south for about a hundred kilometers. After about fifteen minutes of being over the Atlantic Ocean, the passengers convinced him that there was no large body of water between the range and the campsite. When flying over water, the Army requires that all passengers have water wings and be properly briefed for water egress. None of these things were done. Had the single engine helicopter had an emergency and gone down at sea probably all on board would have been lost. Thankfully, the passengers were able to talk him into going north and getting back to the campsite and all ended well.
Major Lunchbox continued to rise through the ranks in the National Guard and after a while became our commander. It was a sad day for those who wanted to be in a good unit. The unit became a pretty poor tactical unit but he shined like a flaming idiot in the dark. The only good news was that he continued to give us more stories to recall.
Major Lunchbox was not much of a speaker and often made interesting comments. One of the officers kept a little notebook in which he recorded Lunchbox’s amazing phrases and comments. One day when talking about pilots flying aircraft in a reckless manner he said, “I don’t want to hear about any of the pilots Roy Rogering the aircraft.” We had all head the term of “cowboying” the aircraft but he had now refined it down to Roy Rogers. I had always thought Roy Rogers was a pretty safe and careful cowboy.
On another occasion he was talking about some one having a careless attitude and he said he didn’t like that “Quasimodo attitude”. On that occasion like many of the others, all in the room started looking at each other in a puzzled look wondering, “What did I just hear?” Then some of us looked over to Mike to see if he was recording this new saying. This was the man keeping the notebook. After a while it became necessary not to look at each other when these comments came out because we feared we would bust out laughing.
Probably the most classic Major Lunchbox moment came in a meeting of company commanders and instructor pilots. We were going over the flying hours of pilots and agreeing on what action needed to be taken. Major Lunchbox would announce the next name on the list and instructor pilots and company commanders would tell Major Lunchbox what they would do to ensure the pilot would get the training or flight hours he needed. Major Lunchbox didn’t have what I would have thought of as an Italian name but before he became the commander he liked to be known as the “Italian Stallion”. It hadn’t been too long after the Rocky movies and I guess he was his hero. In his own mind he was the desire of all women.
So when Major Lunchbox came to the next name on the list, which happened to be an Italian name and the name of the head guy in the state for aviation, we all couldn’t believe what happened. Major Lunchbox didn’t recognize the name and mispronounced it a couple of times. Then he said, “Who owns this guy, whoever he is?” We were all fortunate that Major Lunchbox was looking down when he did all of that. We all sat there not believing he didn’t recognize the name of the head guy and then none of us wanted to be the one to tell him who he was. After a moment of silence Major Lunchbox said, “Well whoever owns him make sure he gets some more hours because he is way behind!” Then he announced the next person on the list and we moved on. After the meeting we all had a new saying to use. “Who owns this guy, whoever he is?” We also tried to duplicate the way he had said the name but we never were as confused as Major Lunchbox so it never sounded as funny as when he said the name.
Most of the time it’s best just to let the poor leaders pass away into our past. They teach powerful lessons on what not to do! One of the good things about the active duty military is that people move around pretty often so even when you have a bad commander it shouldn’t be for too long. It also helps to keep a list of the new goofy things they do. It will help keep things in perspective and it will be good material for future stories. I know that major Lunchbox provided me with a number of good laughs. Remember, even the turkeys that make it through November don’t last forever. And besides, if a clown like that can survive in the world, the normal people should have it made if we don’t run into too many of his type!
posted by Bruce | 12:58 PM
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